Dearest McKinnon
by HermioneLunaPotter
Summary: Sirius Black loved Marlene McKinnon. But he never told her. And now she's dead and he's in Azkaban. All he has are memories... tattered, broken and painful memories...
1. Deepest Regret

**Another story. I know! I just popping them out right now. Anyway... this pairing is probably my favourite marauders pairing ever... tied with James and Lily of course. I just see them working. It's tragic. It's heated and heavy and passionate. It's very Romeo and Juliet I think. Anyway please enjoy my Sirius and Marlene fanfic :) xx**

* * *

**Prologue**

A cold, harsh wind whipped through the otherwise lifeless room. It howled like a wounded animal, echoing loudly on the grimy stone walls. The room was dark except for a patch of silver moonlight that illuminated a crumpled figure in the right corner. He lay amongst a pile of gnawed chicken bones, empty bowls and strips of clothing that had been torn off in fits of madness. The searing light penetrated his pale skin; an indication of former nobility. Any trace of such, however, was decaying at a rapid rate. For covering that porcelain skin, was a layer of dirt and grime so thick, it was impossible to remove. Long bony fingers were clenched tightly into fists; the nails covered in filth and chewed down to the skin. The fabric that clothed his skeletal frame was torn and withered, hanging limply from his body like a sheet. But perhaps the most disturbing of all was the pair of stormy grey eyes that twitched in insanity; framed by a mess of matted black hair. If one looked closely, they might have glimpsed the remnants of the last surviving member of the most powerful pureblood family. They would have noticed the hair – once silky – framing the elegant regal cheekbones and strong nose; identifiable features of the Noble and Most Ancient House of Black: the grey eyes that once glinted with amusement, now danced with madness and the long slender fingers that had once grasped the wand to fight against the enemy. Yes. If one looked closely, they might have glimpsed the former Sirius Black.

That beauty had vanished the moment he arrived in his Azkaban cell. With Dementors floating maliciously around the prison like ravenous vultures waiting for their next meal, any former glory he had held disappeared. All that remained was a broken shell of a man, void of nothing but his deepest and darkest regrets. His initial regret was simple. Their faces were easy to recognise. The messy black hair and round glasses belonged to his best friend, James Potter. The flame-red hair and startling green eyes were those of his wife, Lily Evans. Their faces hovered constantly in his mind, bearing expressions of betrayal and disappointment. The sight had caused many an emotional collapse during his time in Azkaban. Every now and then, the rodent-like face of his former friend Peter Pettigrew would creep in, causing Sirius so much rage and hatred that he had taken his aggression out on the opposite wall. The crumpled chunk of brick and smashed remnants of a bowl that lay at the foot of the wall served as a reminder of his anger. Why had he trusted that swine? Why had he convinced James and Lily to choose Wormtail as the Secret Keeper? If only he had seen through the traitor earlier; saw the flaw in his perfect plan. _He_ would never have let them down. _He_ would have rather died than betray his friends to the Dark Lord. The idea made him sick.

But underneath his mourning for the Potters and his hatred of Wormtail, another regret seeped into his mind. A smaller one. A regret Sirius didn't know he held until the power of the Dementors had surfaced it. As he lay in the corner of his prison cell, a girl came to mind. Her face materialized; regal (though she bore no noble lineage), pale and elegant. Her calculating eyes of a peculiar shade; not quite green, not quite blue, with flecks of silver sparkling inside the molten pools. Lips the palest shade of pink were drawn into a thin line, as though she was permanently scowling. And the long blonde hair he adored so much was elegantly twisted to the side and cascaded down her shoulder. Marlene McKinnon looked just as he had last seen her.

She had been a ruthless woman; stubborn, aggressive, determined. In some ways, she reminded Sirius of his cousin Bellatrix Lestrange (who coincidently was his neighbour two cells down). However, unlike Bellatrix, Marlene harboured a kindness that was a gentle as Lily Potter's and for those who could harness it, it was a beautiful thing. She had let him remove her walls and open up to him in their fleeting moments together and it was that insecurity that made Sirius admire her. No, love her. He was sure he had loved her. Marlene had been everything a woman should be; stern yet kind, fierce yet gentle, determined yet elegant. She was a walking contradiction and Sirius couldn't get enough of it. Her harsh exterior drove him mad with desire and her soft interior made him crave more. She had been intoxicating and Sirius was certain he would never meet another woman like her.

Of course he wouldn't. He had heard the news during the Order's meeting.

"– McKinnon's dead –"

"– Whole family wiped out –"

"– Marlene was killed by Voldemort himself –"

No amount of suffering in Azkaban could have prepared Sirius for that devastating news.

Marlene.

Dead.

Horrible visions had crippled him, visions of Marlene's beautiful body, frozen forever by that cursed green light. And as he lay in his prison cell, with the doom of the Dementors haunting him, those same images burned his eyes and he shut them tight. For in that single memory was his deepest regret yet. He had loved Marlene McKinnon but he had never told her. And now he would never be able to.

* * *

**Did you like it? It was a little dark wasn't it... compared with my other stories. But I wanted to capture Sirius' torment in Azkaban and hopefully I did that. Read and Review! :) xx**


	2. First Impressions

**Hey again :) Next Chapter! This is Sirius' first memory of Marlene, during the Sorting in first year. The rest of the story will be memories of Marlene during the years that Sirius has known her. There will be occasional fluff in some, but not right away. Please enjoy :) xx**

* * *

**First Impressions**

The Sorting was about to begin. McGonagall had lined the first years up at the front of the Great Hall. Sirius knew he was going to be called early, something he regretted as an unpleasantly large knot tightened in his stomach. He tried to distract himself by thinking of the candles dripping wax on the students, but could not even manage to smile. The new group of students all looked ready to faint – indeed Peter appeared as though he was about to bolt from the hall. McGonagall had placed a stool in front of them on which an old, ragged black hat sat limply. Older students stared at the hat intently as though expecting it to break out in dance. Suddenly, a rip near the hat's rim opened and, to Sirius' astonishment, began to sing! Sirius almost fell over in surprise. He was too awestruck to listen properly to the song when before he knew it, McGonagall was calling "Avery, Romulus," up to the stool. A thin, fair-haired boy sauntered up to the platform and sat on the stool, giving the crowd a confident grin. As soon as the hat touched his ears, the hat cried; "SLYTHERIN!" and Avery headed over to the table on the far right where he was welcomed by Lucius Malfoy, a shiny Prefect badge glinting on his chest. Sirius eyed the Slytherin table with disdain. Narcissa was filing her fingernails, not even bothering to look up at the Sorting. The huge boy Sirius recognised as Crabbe was flexing his knuckles menacingly. Sirius scowled at the lot of them; they were a miserable bunch.

Sirius took this time to observe his classmates. The red-haired girl from the train was looking slightly pale and whispering to herself; while her companion, Snivellus, was attempting a cool reserve. Next to James was the girl with blonde pigtails, her round face red with anxiety. Behind him were the two boys who had shared the boat with Snivellus, one being the boy Sirius had tipped into the Black Lake; still dripping wet and huddled in Hagrid's moleskin coat. And to his right were two girls, a tall blonde and a stout brunette. The blonde caught his eye and Sirius was amazed that she didn't swoon. Instead, she gave him a quick, calculating glance and then returned her gaze to the sorting.

Andromeada caught his eye and winked at him for support; something he deeply appreciated.

"Black, Sirius!" called McGonagall and James gave Sirius an encouraging nudge as he made his way to the front. All went dark as the hat fell over his eyes. Sirius tried not to act frightened, for Andy had told him that the hat could read minds.

"That, I can," whispered an ancient voice in Sirius' head. "A Black, eh? Interesting. I should put you right in with the rest of your family."

Sirius' heart dropped. Of course, he was going to be put in Slytherin. It was foolish of him to hope otherwise. He just hoped James would remain his friend.

"But," interjected the hat. "Should you be in Slytherin? Hmm, let's see shall we? Very cunning, I see, though sometimes deceitful... a fine brain, perhaps lacking in ambition and drive to succeed... fiercely loyal... hmm... noble... a hard worker, when you want to be of course... reckless... brave... How interesting... I guess there is only one place to put you... GRYFFINDOR!"

Sirius' heart soared as McGonagall removed the hat from his head, enabling him to see the cheering Gryffindors, whooping and clapping happily. James gave Sirius a huge grin as he leapt from the stool and ran to the Gryffindor table, where he was slapped on the back affectionately. A quick glance at the Slytherin table made Sirius laugh; they were all staring at him in complete shock (Cissy looking deeply disturbed). But amid them all was Andromeada, cheering louder than any of the Gryffindors as her young cousin was Sorted into the House that he deserved. Sirius was elated at her approval and sat down eagerly to watch the rest of the Sorting.

The Sorting went by fairly quickly. There had been three new additions to Gryffindor house; Lily Evans, the proud red haired girl with startling green eyes; Remus Lupin, the shy brown haired boy who constantly hunched his shoulders and Mary MacDonald, a bubbly rosy cheeked girl with her brown hair pulled into a pony-tail. But it was the girl who was called next that caught Sirius' eye.

"McKinnon, Marlene!" called McGonagall. The blonde girl who Sirius had been staring at before the Sorting. As she turned to sit down, Sirius noticed the fierce scowl upon her face. Her fair eyebrows were knitted together and her piercing eyes were narrowed in frustration. Sirius watched her intently, finding her fascinating. What could possibly cause her to frown?

"GRYFFINDOR!" cried the hat. Marlene rose from the stool, looking vaguely indifferent and proceeded to the Gryffindor table. She took her seat next to Mary and began playing with the ends of her long blonde hair, looking bored. Sirius summoned his charm and winked at her.

"Hey McKinnon, what'cha frowning for?"

"What?" she snapped, looking up from her empty plate and glaring at him.

"Come on, let's face it," Sirius smirked. "How could you possibly be frowning when you get to look at this…" he gestured to himself and waggled his eyebrows at her.

Marlene eyed him with disdain and raised her eyebrows. "Don't make me sick," she said coolly, rolling her eyes.

Sirius merely shrugged, trying to act indifferent. But he couldn't help but shoot curious glances at her. Her cool haughtiness was intriguing. More than that, however, was the colour of her eyes. Sirius was fixated by them. Their colour was peculiar; not quite green, not quite blue and there were small flecks of silver flecked amongst the colour.

He didn't know why she was constantly frowning, or why she appeared so bored. But there was one thing Sirius Black knew for certain. Marlene McKinnon was unlike any girl he had ever met.

* * *

**Ahh... Sirius and his big head. Gotta love him :) Please review :) xx**


	3. Name Calling

**Thank you all for your patience. This memory is when the Marauders were deciding on their name. Little did they know who their inspiration came from :) Of course... this isn't necessarily true... just my interpretation :) but enjoy anyway :)**

* * *

**Name Calling**

"What about the Fearsome Foursome?" suggested James proudly. The four boys were clustered around the Common Room one gloomy Wednesday evening. A dim, red light made the room glow as the dying fire burned away endlessly in the corner. Outside, rain pelted against the glass windows, which was eerily lulling for the snoring portraits on the wall. Mary Macdonald's cat, Butterscotch, was snoozing in an overstuffed armchair by the bookshelf; his yellow tail playing an uneven rhythm on the cushion.

Sirius raised an eyebrow at James underneath his curtain of silky dark hair. It had grown longer over the Christmas holidays and Sirius, much to his mother's disgust, had decided to continue letting it grow; partly because it made the girls swoon and partly because his mother hated it. He gave a husky snort and upturned his perfect, straight nose.

"Prongs," he droned. "To think I actually used to respect you." He shook his head, earning him a slap across the face with a textbook Remus had been studying with.

"Hey!" cried Remus, frowning as he snatched his book off James. He had been in the middle of researching for his Charms essay.

"Sorry, Moony," said James, smirking at Sirius. "He needed it though."

"You're the one who needed it," muttered Sirius darkly. "Seriously, Prongs, is that the best you could come up with?"

Peter gave a muffled sort of giggle and instantly shut his mouth when James gave him a stern glare.

"Well, I don't see you coming up with anything better." He crossed his arms and gave a large huff.

"What about the Gryffindor Gang?" suggested Peter timidly as he sat huddled in his dressing gown on the edge of the couch. Sirius and James both gave him identical looks of disgust.

"Wormtail!" cried Sirius. "If you want to remain in this group you will never mention that again."  
"Yeah!" said James, astounded as he shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe you just said that. Who do you think we are? Arrogant Slytherins?"

"We are definitely _not_ a gang," confirmed Remus as he poured over his essay. "A gang is a group of three or more people who, through the organisation, formation and establishment of an assemblage, share a common identity and are affiliated with criminal activity."

The three boys stared at Remus in astonishment. No one spoke for a moment, and Peter was visibly trying to repeat Remus' words to try and understand them.

Remus looked up at his gaping friends and shook his head with a smile. "We're not criminals."

Recognition etched over Sirius' face as he sighed in relief.

"Moony, you're kind of scary when you start reciting things like that," Sirius muttered. "What did you do, swallow the dictionary?"

"It just so happens that I am 'all knowing', Padfoot," said Remus with a smirk, grinning up at his best friend.

"Well," said Sirius with a lazy yawn. "Seeing as none of you prats can come up with a good name, I guess it's up to me." He rose from his position on the couch and gave a slight cough, as though he was the Minister about to give an important speech.

"Here we go," James murmured to Remus, who sniggered.

"From now on, we shall be called, the Hogwarts Hunks!"

"More like Hogwarts Has-beens if you ask me," drawled a monotonous voice. "Or Hogwarts Hooligans. Either one suits."

Sirius turned abruptly to find none other than Marlene McKinnon standing on the staircase with her hands on her hips. She was dressed in a purple, fluffy dressing gown that came to her mid-calf, where the bottom of her blue pyjama bottoms flared to the floor. Her blonde hair was messy – which was quite unusual for her normally perfect, straight hair – as though she had been tossing and turning in bed. Sirius thought she looked beautiful, but he hid his feelings with sarcasm.

"Well, well, well," said Sirius with a smirk. "If it isn't dearest McKinnon, gracing us with her presence."

She scowled at him and continued down the staircase. "Sod off, Black. It's Potter I'm here to talk to."

James mimicked Sirius' tone of voice. "Talk away then, Marley, talk away."

"It's McKinnon to you, Potter," said Marlene aggressively as she stalked towards him. Sirius had never seen her so livid before. It intrigued him more than he liked to admit. "I'm got news from Lily."

"And what does precious Lily-flower have to say to me?" asked James, faking innocence as he fluttered his eyelids at her.

"She wants you to know that if you EVER do that to her and Snape again, she will personally castrate you."

When James frowned in confusion, she added, "And she also said that if you don't know what that means look it up in the dictionary!"

"No need," said Sirius, turning towards Remus expectantly. "Moony? Translation?"

"Erm..." began Remus, looking uncomfortable. "It means to remove a man's... er... genitalia."

James and Sirius' eyes widened in horror.

"She wouldn't dare," said James heatedly, pleading at Marlene.

"Oh, she would. So I suggest you keep your marauding to a minimum."

With that, Marlene turned on her heel and headed back up the staircase to their girls' dormitory. Her blonde hair whipped Sirius in the face as she left. He stared after her with an open mouth, admiring how stern and outspoken she was. It was one of the many things he loved about her. As he watched her ascend the staircase, James swatted him with a cushion.

"Oi!" roared Sirius. "What was that for?"

"Seems like you've got a thing for McKinnon!" smirked James. Remus and Peter sniggered. Sirius, though feeling extremely embarrassed, composed his features and looked James clearly in the eye.

"No," he said seriously. "It's McKinnon. Who could possibly have anything for her except a grudge?"

His reaction seemed to have convinced his friends and once they were satisfied that he didn't have any 'thing' for Marlene McKinnon, they left him alone. So, Sirius was left to think about Marlene as much as he desired. He thought about the way she had approached James, her face ablaze with raw frustration... her blue-green eyes shining in the light of the fire. He swore he could still smell her sweet scented hair lingering on his cheek from where it had hit him when she left. But the main thing he thought about were her words. Marauding. There was something about that which Sirius liked.

"Hey, guys!" he said as the thought struck him. "I have the perfect name. From now on, we will be known as the Marauders!"

James, Remus and Peter responded fervently to the name, proclaiming it was pure genius. Sirius couldn't help but laugh. Who would have thought that Marlene McKinnon would have inspired their name?

* * *

**Who would've thought eh? As you can probably see, Sirius is adamant in hiding his feelings for Marlene from his friends- this plays a big part in the story :) please read and review xx**


End file.
